I had an uncle here in Irvine and a friend in DC pass away in the last 48 hours and I’m feeling very numb. I know it’s not about me, but all my thoughts in the last two days have been about my fear of dying. I can’t get it out of my head. This feeling has got me freaking out about every skip of my heartbeat (recently found out I have an arrhythmia), every weird feeling in my chest and body and afraid to go to sleep for fear I might not wake up.

My heart and thoughts goes out to family and friends of my uncle and that of my friend. Extended family is flying in from all over the country over the next few days to come and pay their respects to my uncle.

I don’t do funerals. I just don’t. Is that bad? Am I being disrespectful? The last funeral I attended was that of my grandmother in the early 90s. After that experience I couldn’t take it. I found myself completely emotionless. With my own recent brushes with death starting in 2002 with my first heart attack I have not been able to get myself to attend a funeral.

I’m scared. It’s a reminder to me that life is given and can be taken away at an instant. Seeing people in mourning hurts. Again, I think to what would happen if I didn’t survive the last heart attack. According to the doctors, I very nearly didn’t.

I don’t want my family and friends to be mourning my passing. I don’t want to think or be reminded of my mortality.

I know it sounds selfish, but I’m sorry. There have been family members, both extended and close that have past away in the years since my grandmother’s death, and I never went to the funerals. Even as I sit here writing this entry, I am absolutely terrified of the thought. It’s not that I’m not in mourning, I am very sad that they have past away. Very sad. Please don’t equate my own fears of mortality with lack of respect or lack of mourning. I deal with mourning in my own way, in private.

I feel horrible that I have avoided ceremonial funerals. I just feel like I’ll exploded inside and that my own demise will take place right there and then. Is this bad? Am I a bad person for feeling this way?

I haven’t slept, and I’m constantly thinking about mortality. I’ve tried to distract myself from time to time, but it doesn’t take much for me to turn laughter into sadness at the blink of an eye. The next few days will be hard for me as family members will be flying in and will expect to see me at the funeral.

Hug your loved ones. Savor life. BE life.

Every moment you are here on this precious world is sacred.

Let’s see, the last thing I wrote about was about Downton Abbey and Torchwood. Who would have thought how much attention Downton Abbey has been getting over the last couple of months. American fascinated about the life of aristocrats and their servants. They even won a couple of Emmys! I am anxiously awaiting season 3.

Since my layoff, I have spent all of December, January and February looking for work. It is rough out there!! There ARE jobs. Lots of jobs actually. But you’re competing with hundreds of applicants. If you don’t get your resume in right away, it could get lost in a stack on a recruiters desk or stay unread in the HR managers email. You have to play this game of not being too early for fear of being buried, but not too late that they have already selected their first run candidates.

I went out on a few interviews. Some good, some bad. I applied for a position as a Jr. Mac Administrator position for a well known geographically based iPhone app that helps you located “people and friends” that a nearby. You know, the app wiht the black and yellow skull logo. Well I went into that interview and I wasn’t prepared. I totally fucked that interview up and the sad part is that I did know all the answers. I had been so out of practice, I literally forgot the answers. Out of practice you ask? Well, I haven’t actually been doing IT support work since November 2010, just before I took responsibility for moving Ignite to their new 30,000 square foot building. After successfully moving the company, I took more of an operations/facility role. So in essence, I haven’t been practicing Mac Admin for over a year. When I got there they also asked me a slew of OS X Lion questions. We were still Snow Leopard at the agency and I didn’t have any game with Lion in a corporate environment. Sure, I used it at home, but not like I would if it was deployed at the office. So, obviously I didn’t get a call-back. I knew I messed that one up. In hindsight it probably was a good thing. I struggled for a bit about how to explain where I worked. My duties and actual job would probably always be overshadowed by the fact that I worked for “you know who”. Let’s all be real here, that app is not as innocent as the iTunes store describes the app. [smile]

A couple more opportunities came across, some out of state and some in-state but in places like San Diego, San Francisco and the East Bay. I even thought about leaving IT again and pursuing something in culinary. Unfortunately, those opportunities were far and hard to find.

Being on unemployment sucks. Things have been very difficult lately. Rent and Cobra alone is more than what I take home in unemployment. I had already struggled thru some of my savings when I was out on medical leave last summer. I even had to sell things on Craigslist just to make ends meet. So where are things?

Well, let’s just say an awesome opportunity will be making itself known on March 1. It’s exciting and I can’t wait to see what that will turn into. Details after I hear back!

So what else has been going on? Ugh. I have gained 15 pounds back. I went from 275 to 227 and back up to 243. I think I went into a tailspin after the layoff and went back into bad habits. I started slacking off from going to the gym and eating all the wrong foods. I have started to get back on the diet (modified Paleo) and started going back to the gym again. It will be nice to have a routine again when the March 1 thing comes through. So let’s see how fast i can get myself back to 227 and then keep steady for a loss below 200!  Can I do it???

I am so behind on some of my cable shows. I had to stop paying for cable since I didn’t have the money for it. So I have missed a good chunk of shows from Bravo, Cooking Channel and The Food Network. It has been 3 months since I have watch a cooking show. I’m having withdrawals. Yes I have found some content online, but nothing is more relaxing for me than waking up on a Saturday morning and watching The Barefoot Contessa or an episode of Eat Street. I heard there wasn’t much to miss on LOGO, but I have missed out on the Housewives in Beverly Hills, Atlanta and The OC as well as a Season of Tabitha taking over something!

So stay with me whoever you are. I hope I still have at least one reader on my site. I have been blogging since 2000 and it has been a fun ride so far. Let’s fill the rest of 2012 with some positive news and a leaner me!

I have been addicted to an iTV series called Downton Abbey.  I have just finished watching the Season 2 finale and I can’t wait for Season 3. Beware there are spoilers for those that haven’t seen this season yet.

Word has it that they are commissioning a third season and will pick up from where they left off this last season. This past season dealt mostly with the war and the effect on Downton Abbey headed up by Lord and Lady Grantham. The story revolves around their three daughters, the heir apparent to the estate (Matthew Crawley) and the minglings of the castle staff. Thomas returns to Downtown as a staff sergeant overseeing the convalescing of soldiers now staying at Downton as they have run out of space in the local town. Mr. Bates and Anna continue thru their struggles for a relationship and Lady Sybil runs off with the Chauffer. We can’t forget Maggie Smith playing Dowager Countess of Grantham as the ever opinionated Matron.

More word on the street is that Amy Nutall who plays Ethel (the former maid who had a baby with a convalescing soldier) will not be returning to the cast. Season 3 will take place after the Armistice and in the 1920s.

A Christams special is scheduled to run in a few weeks and I look forward to that show. Did they do a Christmas special between Season 1 and 2?

The Brits love their Christmas specials. Doctor Who does a Christmas special as well. I wish they did one for Torchwood.

Speaking of Torchwood, do you think it will come back? Did you like the collaboration effort with Starz? Did they take the series in a completely different track and pull away from the “real” Torchwood?

For those not keeping up with Torchwood, it came back for a short series run with Torchwood set in America with Captain Jack Harkness and Gwen Cooper crossing over the pond for a Torchwood/CIA operation to investigate the “Miracle Day” mystery. The series starts off where people STOP dying. Even with extreme death, people seem to be staying alive. However, for those who follow the show, we know that Captain Jack Harkness can’t die – but in this twist, he can – the only person on earth who can. They ended the season figuring out the mystery but end it with guest star Mekhi Phifer (playing CIA’s Rex Matheson)absorbing some of Jack’s immortality. Will this lead to another series?

It’s never a “good” time to get laid off, but for me, I happen to be at the end of my lease and I can’t get a new place without proof of income. Furthermore, if I end up getting a new job in another city or state, I still have the problem of securing housing. I have asked my current  place if I can extend my lease a month or two and they were accommodating but want to increase my rent my $500 a month! Yikes!

Yesterday I got a call from the hospital asking how I was going to deal with the balance I had on my account. I informed them that I was just laid off and that if I had anything to give them I would be more than happy to set up a payment plan. I told them that as soon as I get employment, I would contact them to make arrangement for payment. They said they had to send it to a collection agency to handle. Oye.

I have called my parents and left them emails but I haven’t heard from them. I don’t know if they are at the other house where they have no internet connection. The only conniption I have to them is via a MagicJack number. If it’s not plugged in, I can’t get a hold of them.

I need to get my resume out there. I’ve been waiting for a major re-write of my work experience before I start sending it out, but that may be a few more days out.

Keep me in your thoughts and send good wishes my way!

Last night’s episode was a bit shattered in story lines. The main storyline surrounded the “first time” for couples Blaine and Kurt as well s Finn and Rachel. It’s a touchy subject to bring up first time intimacies between teenagers. So let’s take a look at some issues. Let’s be clear that it is my impression that the show’s creators intended the primary audience for this show to be adults. The problem with this is that the show is about being in high school. While it is nice to reminisce about our past, it is probably safe to assume that the next core audience is high school students. Some of the subject matters that Ryan Murphy has touched on in the show are definitely “current” issues, but probably for consumption by an adult audience. I applaud Ryan Murphy in his attempt to bring the issue of not only “first time” sex on Glee but also that he is bringing up the subject with a young male gay couple as well.

I remember my first time and I wish it was in a private, special moment like Blaine and Kurt. Now with that said, I’m not saying that my first time was not private and that it was loud – it just wasn’t “special”. I wanted my first time to be special.

I do want to touch base on one of the side stories and that was one of Karofsky making a return to the school. Blaine and Kurt sneak off to the nearest gay bar in Lima, with bad boy Sebastian from the Warblers. There Kurt is watching Blaine having a good time on the dance floor when a baseball capped dude walks up to the bar and says “you better keep an eye on him…”. It was school bully Karofsky, now in a different high school and dealing with the fact that he is gay himself. A lot of the anger that Karofsky had while at McKinley was frustration over coming out and trying to figure out who and what he was. I recall to moments in my teenage years where I lashed out about things that were way off base and I honestly have to think that it was about not being able to express who I was to anyone. That kind of built up frustration can be very difficult to deal with. Karofsky said he liked coming into the bar cuz he had be comfortable with who he is and that he was accepted there. It was very cute that he made a nod to the bear community in saying that he was a “cub”. Karofsky still has feelings for Kurt. I think he always had and that was driving him crazy. Sitting int he bar, they both exchange words and you can see the look in his eyes that he is happy to see Kurt. Let’s see if something develops between the two later in the season.

So let’s keep with the theme of the bar. Blaine gets wasted (another subject that is facing high school students) and tries to initiate something intimate with Kurt in the back seat of the car. Kurt says no and holds his ground. Blaine gets pissed off and walks home. Probably for his good as it gave him time to re-evaluate what he was doing. We find out later in the episode that he indeed understand what he was doing and that he was truly sorry for what he tried to do. I do find it very weak that in apologizing to Kurt that Kurt decides that is the “moment” he has been waiting for and go back to Blaine’s house. For me personally, I would have waited for something to come along, not an apology from my boyfriend and a kiss. But that is just me.

So I’m going on a complete tangent here and going to touch on the subject of Puerto Rico and “America”. I had to do some research and this is what I found out. Puerto Rico was ceded to the United States in 1898 in the Treaty of Paris where control of the island was turned over to the United States. It was then in 1947 that Puerto Rick gained more autonomy by being able to elect their own Governor. However to this date, the citizens cannot for for the Presidency – while being US citizens. The timeline in the musical for West Side Story takes place in the mid 50s. We have two groups living in a burrough of New York where we have the Puerto Ricans and the “whites” of the neighborhood. This is our modern day Romeo and Juliet. Maria falls in love with Tony both on opposite sides and being in rival gangs. We have the rooftop scene with maria’s sister, Anita leading a discussion about living in America. I have always loved this song from a musical perspective and every time I hear it, my inner dancer takes over and dances.

My last note is about Coach Bieste and her newfound love interest. You go Coach, let him make you feel like a lady and let him pamper you!

I was with Ignite for five and a half years and it was one of the best years ever. It’s almost 24 hours later since I called into the office and I’m still a bit in shock. Sadness did settle in once I got in the car and that erupted into a flow of tears for several hours.

Many of my friends and co-workers started to call and send text messages. I was getting sad reading the texts from everyone. I talked with Lisa, Tim and Heather and I’m really going to miss seeing them on a daily basis. Many have emailed or toted to express sadness and support.

I’m not going to go into any further details about how I feel except to say that I remain positive and will only take this experience and turn it into something good. I have to.

It’s Friday and raining here in Sunny Southern California and it expresses how many feel back at Ignite today. But you know, the sun will eventually come back out and the day will end and will start up again in the morning.

It has been a rewarding and fun time for me professionally and personally. The people I have met are some of the most talented and amazing people I know. I hope that I can keep in touch with everyone and that we can stay in each other’s lives. they have enriched my life and I hope I have touched them in the same way.

Much of my soul was in the walls and hallways at Ignite and I hope that what I leave behind in memories will continue to keep the spirit going.

It’s time to write a new chapter in my life and I turn the page ready to start the first sentence in a chapter that will sure be filled with fun, sadness, growth and be filled with the memories of meeting new people and experiencing their lives. I’m not sure if my future will return to culinary, but most probably I will return to my IT career and pursue what I love.

You can visit the Kickstarter site for Sensu at:

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/797362124/sensu-brush-a-true-painting-experience-on-your-ipa?ref=live

Weight loss that is!! So as many of you know I have been on a journey the last couple of months dealing with the recovery after my heart attack on Memorial Day weekend. I made large changes to my diet and started working out. I have also been out of work as the doctor put me on disability and have been home since June. Well I am happy to report that I have broken my latest plateau and have finally made it back into my 220′s! Can you believe it??? This is down from my heaviest weight this past spring at 272!

I couldn’t believe it when I looked down at the digital scale. I stepped off, stepped back on and looked again. I started jumping right there! I was so happy! So the hard part will be not to creep back up above 230! I started a slightly (ok, somewhat) modified Paleo diet. This was something I just came across from an online friend. He told me his weightless was attributed to being on the Paleo diet and doing CrossFit. The Paleo diet basically brings eating food like the “Paleos” did. Leafy vegetables, root vegetables and basic meats and fishes – it also means no dairy (milk wasn’t meant to be beyond early breastfeeding during infancy. Large amounts of grains in our diets really didn’t come into play until agriculture came into play. For the most part in “man’s” history, agriculture is fairly a “recent” thing. So I am eating “mostly” Paleo and having grains (steel cut oatmeal) for breakfast only. I’m trying to cut as much bread and rice out. Now, the body needs carbs. A diabetic needs some carbs. Most of my carbs are coming from vegetables.

It has been an amazing last couple of months. While I am enjoying the workouts now, I’m still not seeing any “body” changes. While I have lost weight, I still only see the fat guy in the mirror. I have been working on upper body exercises but have yet to see any changes to my body. Hopefully, as I increase my weight training, I’ll start to see some muscle – eventually.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

So we come to the part of this entry that is about random thoughts. It will be a free flow format, so here we go:

• Ok, the whole “girl in a football jersey wearing daisy dukes and high boots” DOES NOT WORK!
• I am falling in love with various BBC shows like Downton Abbey, Sherlock Holmes and of course, Torchwood and Doctor Who
• Dating still sucks even 45 lbs lighter
• I’m not sure how I feel about “Weldon” on Two and a Half Men (Ashton Kutchner’s new character)
• Buffy is back on television
• Austin on the A-List New York really is an ASS
• I’m having a hard time dealing with bread and rice loss
• I’ve dropped several inches on my pants – that’s AWESOME
• Thanks to my online friends on MyFitnessPals.com for the support – esp GDEZ80, LeftyMac and Peg1999
• I forgot how interesting the show NOVA is
• My mind continues to dream of opening a small cafe/bookstore – even after 10 years
• I want an iPhone 5
• Paul totally deserved to win on Hell’s Kitchen last night
• Top Chef Dallas – can you stand the wait?
• The new host of Sweet Genius on Food Network scares me
• Alton Brown comes to the Cooking Channel
• Chef Jason Quinn of The Lime Truck is totally hot!
• Not sure how I feel about the President’s plan to boost the economy
• I do however, somewhat agree about the recommendation to eliminate Saturday mail service to streamline the USPS
• For some reason I’m not all hung ho about the new season of GLEE
• I found an episode of The West Wing in my iTunes and I really miss that show
• I’m not surprised about Michaela Salahi leaving Tareq

LIFE THOUGHTS

What are life thoughts? I have no idea! I needed a third topic and that’s what I came up with to counter the Loss headline.  So life is kinda good right now. With the strides I have been making on the weight loss I hope that I can keep going. My next goal is to get to 220, then 210, then 200. Wish me luck.

Being out of the office for the last several months has been quite eye-opening. I have had a lot of time to think about many things and I feel so out of touch with what is going on at the office. I’m a little scared about my transition back to the office as I have been gone now for 4 months. I know it will feel different for sure and hope that things will be ok.

My parents are doing well and keeping busy overseas. We’re hoping they are coming for the holidays as it would be great to see them. My sister Lyn and her boyfriend Cory have moved into the house with my other sister Beth as they look for a new place. The school year has started and the kids are back in classes. Dallas is a senior this year and is on the ASB Council, Sade started junior high and Toni is in the 6th grade now. Even Jessica is in school, albeit part time. She is enrolled in a small headstart program to prepare her for kindergarten next fall. My sister Beth is selling entertainment system networking products. Not sure fully what the products are, but she is having to learn networking. She keeps asking me for help, but I told her that she really needs to learn this on her own or she won’t learn it. The best way to learn is to do it herself and not be afraid to make mistakes. To be quite honest, my knowledge of Cisco IOS is somewhat limited!

Well that’s it for this entry. If any of you have questions or whatnot, please don’t hesitate to email me or leave a comment below. Have a great week everyone.

After being in bed most of the week, I finally got outside today. It is HOT! temps in Mission Viejo were around 97 when I left the house and headed to Costa Mesa for a haircut. Aim sitting at Starbucks right now and it’s a bit cooler here in Costa Mesa. I went to the Crew Salon to see Lindsay for a haircut for the last time. Lindsay is moving to Missouri in a few weeks and I wanted to see her before she left. I dont know who is going to cut my hair now. I’m a bit freaked out. Lindsay has been cutting my hair for about 3 years now, maybe longer. I wish her the best of luck in St. Louis!

Well the LA Fitness next to my house is now open (as of August 15) and I have been there a few days already this week. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I wasn’t the mecca of hot guys walking around and fit women all socializing around the treadmills. There were people there from all walks of life. I really don’t know why I thought that I would feel out of place being surrounded by hot buff guys. Not that it’s bad or anything like that, it’s great motivation to continue to lose the weight and build some muscle. As some of you know, I’m in cardiac rehab 3x a week, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays I’m at the gym. My regimen consists of the same routine I have at the hospital. It feels good to be able to work out on my “off” days from the hospital. On the nights where I am too tired to do a full set I at least get in 30 minutes of cardio on the treadmill.

I also decided to try out a month of personal training. I signed up with a special, but won’t actually start my training sessions until I’m done at the hospital. My trainer is a guy named Tyler (who is super cute – redhead, buff, Midwest looks) and has a heart defect so he is somewhat qualified to handle my case with my heart condition. We will do an assessment in a few weeks and set my goals. My initial visit with the fitness manager at LA Fitness wanted me at 170 by the end of the year. 170?!?! Holy frak! I’m not sure I can do that, but my goal is to get to my lower 22o’s. I’m 232 now.

Lately I have been feeling very sleepy after every meal. This is just tired, like I could just close my eyes and sleep right there. I have checked to see if my blood sugars have gone up and caused me to go into “coma” but my blood sugars have been pretty consistent in the upper 90s/lower 100s. So I’m not sure what is up. I have tried to look up the side effects of all my meds, but none that have drowsiness as a symptom.

In addition to the drowsiness, I have been having consistent headaches for the last couple of weeks. Consistent that it is there most of the day and I need to take tylenol at least 2x a day. It’s not a piercing headache, its one of those “in the back of my head but annoying headaches” – I want it to stop.

Earlier, my nieces “Jessica (4) and Toni-Lyn (11) wanted cheeseburgers. So rather than take them to McDonalds or Wendy’s I took them to Fuddruckers where at least I knew that the meat was ground that day and was fresh. I also knew that the ingredients were fresh and you pile them on your budget by yourself. However, Jessica refused to eat the meat in her cheeseburger. She asked for pickles on her burger. When she got back to the table, she took the bun off and started eating the slices of pickles that we placed on her burger. Over the next minute or two I watched her eat 5 slices. She wanted more. I went back to the fixings bar and got here another 6 pickle slices. She didn’t want the meat. So we took the patty off the bread, and placed the pickles on the bread and she had a pickle sandwich – it was hilarious! She is too cute!

So it is August now and tomatoes are at their best. I have been obsessed with yellow and red grape tomatoes and heirloom tomatoes from the Farmers’ Market. While I won’t bite into a beefsteak tomato, I will pop a grape tomato in my mouth. They are so sweet right now. Get out to your local farmers’ market and avail yourself of some of the best tomatoes of the season!

Oh, the sea bass picture you see above was a recipe that was published in the OC Register this past week! It’s a quick and easy dish and the tomatoes really make the fish shine! Visit http://foodfrenzy.ocregister.com/2011/07/30/weekly-roundup-sea-bass-and-tomatoes/44425/

My recipe is the last link at the bottom! Enjoy!

My blood sugars seem to be good. I have been hovering in the  low 100s. I see my endocrinologist in a couple of weeks and it would be nice to see my A1C numbers around 7. I’m hoping for the best. The A1C is an average of 90 days of glucose readings. The ideal target is 5-7. Let’s just say my last labs back in Q4 of 2010 was above 10 (not good).

As for the weight, I have been hovering in the 230′s for the last couple of weeks. This is down from 275 earlier this year. My goal is to get to 220′s by the end of the year and then target another 15 pounds for Q1 of 2011. I have been weighing myself on a daily basis and one of the nurses at rehab said not to do that. I will be come fixated on the numbers and it is normal for the human body to fluctuate day-to-day. She recommends weighing once a week. I have been keeping a chart of my progress and will adjust to a weekly schedule.

I have been eating much better since the heart attack. 90% of my meals are cooked from fresh ingredients. No processed foods. I go to the market every couple of days to buy ingredients for meals. I try to make each meal so I can have leftovers later in the week. So what is the other 10%. The other 10% is when I’m out with family and eating at a place that I’m not quite sure if the food is fresh or processed foods. For example, birthday party at Chuck E Cheese, I know that their pizzas (while handmade) are probably made with meats and cheeses that are processed. Processed foods are way higher in sodium content. In fact 75% of the sodium that Americans get, come from processed foods. Frozen dinners are the worse culprit of all. Sodium is a preservative. So there are times, when i can’t make an informed decision on what to eat and there will be times where I don’t want to chow down on a bowl of greens. I’ll admit it, I can’t always eat a salad every time I’m at a place that is questionable. If the “unknown” factor is down to 5-10%, I’m ok with that, but the overall goal is food made locally and with fresh ingredients. For those that don’t know I have a good blog, I have been posting some of my meals and recipes on that site. Check it out at www.foodieindisguise.com

Well recently Apple has released new MacBook Airs. I want one. I want one really bad. This new models are faster than their predecessors with an 11″ and 13″ model. Mac OS X Lion is also out. I installed in on day one and haven’t had any problems whatsoever. The new gestures and navigation need some getting used to, but if you want to you set your setting to be the old way too. I think I will buy a Magic Trackpad so that I’m just navigating thru gestures and get rid of the mouse.

Here’s something you never knew about me. I have never set foot in a gym. The last time I was in a gym was probably my junior year of high school. Since then, I have never been in one. Almost everyone I knew in my life had a gym membership. I always was afraid to go into gyms. In my eyes, gyms were for people that were already in shape. I know, I know very silly, but that’s how I saw it. Gyms were a social activity for the fit and active, not for guys like me who need to work out. For years, I have always ga-fahed at going to a gym. Who wants to see someone like me on a recumbent bike or on the treadmill? You know what? Why should I care? For years I have put it in my head that I couldn’t go cuz I was afraid of being someone that would be ridiculed by all the good looking people at the gym.  Well fuck that. I need to live. I WANT to live and in order for me to do that, I need to keep working out, keep losing weight and start putting on some muscle mass. I’m not doing this for them, I’m doing this for ME.

There is a brand new LA Fitness Club being built 3 blocks from my house. It will be their new flagship location at over 62,000 sq. feet of exercise space along with racquetball courts, basketball, swimming pool, yoga studio, juice bar and a Kid’s Zone – to name a few. I walked into the Pre-sale office they setup here in the shopping center and went to get more information. The general manager was the one who was there and I felt like he was like a used car salesman, but I didn’t let that distract me from the reason I was there. I signed up for a membership. Yes, that’s right. For the first time in my life, I was a member of a gym. My membership is good at any LA Fitness. I can bring a guest and a couple of times a year, I can bring guests in free. He showed me a layout of the floor plans and this place is HUGE! A spin class specific area, courts, all the electronic machines had dedicated LCD monitors that you could hook up your iPhone or iPod and watch and listen to music. If you want you can just choose something to watch on them as they will have channels. The club is two levels. They are scheduled to open in less than 10 days.

Does anyone want to go with me and do my workout with me?

Well that’s it for now, I’m headed to bed. Have cardiac rehab in the morning…

Dr. LaMont came in and had my results. He reviewed my meds that told me the good news. He said that my heart had returned to normal rhythm and that if he didn’t know better, he wouldn’t have known I had an attack. Now, remember the occluded right artery, he said that when the heart is damaged like that, new capillaries or arteries grow to the right side to compensate for the clogged artery. I was like, “wow…it knows to do that??” He said that my heart looked good and that he was now able to take away some of my meds. The one med he took out of my regimen was the Amiodarone from Sandoz Pharmaceuticals. He said I no longer needed this and that they try to wean off patients off it as it is toxic over time. I was on it for 2 months. The Amiodarone was also responsible for a level 1 interaction with my “statins” which could cause muscle damage. Yikes! Well that is gone. My Lisinopril for my blood pressure was increased to 2x a day and lowered my Isosorbide (Coreg) to just one time a day.

Today I received my Spotify invitation. I’m still on the edge about a subscription. I have only had it for a few hours so I’m still testing things out. I have to say that this thing is speedy! I have listened to quite a few tracks on it and the response time and quality is quite impressive. I’m trying to figure out if I need it and what the quality will be like on a 3G connection on my iPhone. I’ll upgrade to the Premium tomorrow and if I don’t see value in it, I will downgrade myself.

So a few weeks back my friend Shannon from the office brought me some groceries while I recover at home from the heart attack. In that set she brought me some fresh strawberries, angel food cake and fat free whipped cream. I have to say I have been enjoying this little “strawberry shortcake” for several weeks. Not the same set from when Shannon was here, I have gone out and bought more strawberries and angel food cake. Now, this isn’t a “shortcake” in the truest sense. I place a slice of angel food cake down, whip cream and then sliced strawberries, then another slice, whip cream and strawberries. Absolutely awesome! Fat free whip cream 5 calories, angel food cake 72 calories and the strawberries come in at 49. The whipped cream is fat free as well so that is a bonus! Now the pics below show a “family style” plating. My 2 sisters and their kids were over and we had this for desert!

My routine consists of the following to start. Over time, the time spent will increase and weights will increase. First is a weigh in, then a blood sugar and blood pressure reading. I start on the treadmill with a 2 minute warm up and then 12 minutes at a whopping 1.7 mph. During my “walk” I have my blood pressure checked while my heart is beating faster. After the treadmill, it’s the hand pedal machine. I pedal with my hands with some tension for about 5 minutes – I’m guessing that’s for upper cardio. When I’m done with that I’m then on what I :think: is called a Recumbent Seated Elliptical Machine. It’s like a standup elliptical where you are stepping but also have upper body handles that you hold on to – but you sit. See below:

I’m on this machine for about 10 minutes with a goal of 75-80 motions per minute. Then it’s another blood pressure check and then free weights. It consists of about 6 different exercises with a 5lb weight in each arm. This past Friday I was doing the shoulder shrugs and everytime I did them there was a “snap” in my left shoulder. I freaked out and they asked if there was any pain associated with it. I said no and they said it is normal. The remaining exercises each have 10 reps each. Next we move to the toning band exercises. – again 10 reps.

When we’re done with that we move to cool down stretches that target the calves, thighs, hamstrings and quads. Then I’m done! All in all about 45 minutes. Over the next 11 weeks the times and difficulty will increase. I’m the youngest one in my class. Most of those attending are seniors.

So this week is the start of some new shows for the summer season. On Mondays we have the return of Eureka and Warehouse 13 on the SyFy channel as well as a new show called Alphas which I think will be a good show. On HGTV the reality show HGTV Design Star when folks compete for their own TV show starts. The Next Food Network Star has already started and those are on Sundays. This is the show similar to HGTV’s where you get your own cooking show on the Food Network.

I’m also VERY PLEASED to announce the return of Torchwood. Technically their 5th season, Torchwood takes place here in America. Russell T. Davies is still directing. Captain Jack Harkness and Gwen Cooper come across the pond to investigate the world-wide phenomenon that no one is dying – with one exception Jack (who was forever immortal) now is mortal. It’s actually a bit gruesome with no one dying. Even those that are dismembered or burned to a crisp, seem to still be “alive” it was kinda creepy. This new season finds Torchwood on the Starz network instead of BBC, which is very bizarre to me. I don’t get Starz so I have to rely on “alternative” methods to watch my show.

New shows I continue to watch are Suits with the very handsome Patrick J. Adams and Necessary Roughness both on USA. Oh one more…Sarah Richardson has a new show on HGTV called Sarah 101. I luv Sarah! Her previous two shows: Design Inc and Sarah’s House are favorites of mine.

So to end this entry. Do you think Apple is releasing Mac OS X Lion (10.7) on Thursday? Rumors have it that the stores will be hosting an “overnight” to reconfigure the stores for Thursday morning. Do you think we’ll get new MacBook models? I’m also waiting on word of the outcome of rumors of an iPad HD and the iPhone 5. I’ve been running beta of iOS 5 and it’s still kinda buggy, but overall it is feature rich and will be a great iOS update this Fall.

To see how I made it, visit my food blog here.

Well, when they finished under the sink, the then proceeded to replace the faucet. I had purchased this faucet a while back, but I’m no plumber. I wanted  the spigot to be higher than it was. I literally only had like 3 inches of space between the spigot and the divider in the sink – making it difficult to wash large items as there was no room to maneuver. Now its in and has plenty of room. In addition I think they cranked up the inputs and it was way better pressure than before.

So on Bravo today they had a Flipping Out marathon. This was my chance to catch up on last seasons’ antics of Jeff, Jennie, Zoila and Trace. I love this show. I love his aesthetic, his design sense and his “I don’t care, do what you have to do to make it right” attitude. Flipping out premieres next Wednesday and I can’t wait. For those that don’t watch the show, Jeff broke up with his longtime partner and business partner. This was also the same time the economy started to tumble and Jeff was no longer flipping house, but now designing. This season a new cast member joins the cast and he not only works for Jeff, but is his new boyfriend. Can’t wait!

USA Network must have a long term contract with Bellsario Productions and CBS to air syndication of NCIS. I mean everyday there is some kind of NCIS marathon running, its almost ridiculous. Today after about three episodes, we come to the premiere of a new original show called Necessary Roughness. This is the story about Dr. Dani Santino who is a therapist helping people with addictions, loss issues, etc. After some trauma in her own life, she struggles to make ends meet with here son and daughter after kicking out her husband for cheating. Dani comes across a trainer and turns out he is a trainer (Matthew Donnally) for a fictitious football team, the Hawks. Their number one player (Terrence King) isn’t being so number one. He hasn’t been able to catch the ball in weeks and continues to fumble the ball time after time. Of course this “star” player leads a reckless life of drinking, partying and can’t control his temper. Matthew thinks maybe Dani can help. The head couch hires Dani to see if she can help T.K.

It’s an interesting storyline and I actually watched the entire 90 minute premiere. Will this show survive? USA picked up at least 12 episodes.

Meanwhile, be on the lookout for anew show premiering tomorrow called Suits. Here’s a clip:

Oh…this is what I had for dinner:

Not sure what happened there. I went to bed last night around 12 midnight and then woke up at 5:08AM when that damn sparrow that lives in a tree near my apartment started to chirp before the morning sun. It’s really quite annoying as it interrupts my sleeping pattern. I can’t tell you how much this bird has made my life miserable!

Anyway…I got up and freaked out! I wanted to get down to the State building in Santa Ana to submit my application for Short Term Disability with the State. Will there be traffic going Northbound on the 5? As Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out has yelled “it’s LA, there’s ALWAYS traffic!” I got in the car and headed North. Yes around the 55 interchange there was traffic, but it wasn’t because of the interchange, it was because there was a CHP officer parked on the side. Everyone was slowing down. So frustrating. Do the cops know how much of the traffic is actually caused by them?

I exit on 1st street and head towards the civic center. I finally find 605 Santa Ana Blvd and find parking. Luckily there is aprking sructure that is right next to it and the paring takes credit cards, for I had no cash on me (I don’t usually carry cash…). I got up to the 7th floor to the office of the EDD Disability Insurance Office. I expected to see a line or something – but was pleasantly surprised that there was only 1 person in line. You see, you’re supposed to MAIL the forms in, but I thought I would take a chance and try to deliver them in person. There is nothing on the website or form indicating that you can go in person! So I dropped off the forms, they checked it over and said if all goes well, my first “check” should arrive in 7-10 days. They don’t actually issue checks anymore, you get a BofA Debit card that the State deposits into an account linked to that card. Isn’t that kewl?

While  I was there, I remembered that I got my Jury notice in the mail. I have already deferred from January. Since I’m on disability do you think I can get another deferment? Oddly in my entire life, this is the first time I have been called to duty. I have lived in many cities and three different states and never got called in. My reporting court is Santa Ana, which means I have a good chance of getting a doozy of a trial if I am picked!

After that I left and was temped to go down to the Artist’s Village and grab something to eat – I was starving. But I decided to head home. But before I do that I wanted to stop off at the main Goodwill Donation center and drop off some clothes. I wish I can say that I have had to ditch my current clothes due to the weight loss, but most of this was clothing that I never unpacked from when I moved back to Irvine from Seattle. After dropping it off, I decided to check out the computer recycling store at Goodwill. It used to be you could get a good deal on used equipment, but now its just alot of old, old electronics.

I stopped off at Ralphs to pick up some groceries and luckily I had some of my re-suable bags in the trunk. I picked up some Alaskan Cod, milk, bandages.  I tripped at Goodwill and fell hands first onto the sidewalk, my iPhone was in my hand and the instant I hit the ground I heard a crack. I also scraped my knee.  The back of my iPhone is cracked and it is totally scuffed. I’m totally bummed. Anyway, after grocery shopping I got home, made dinner with my Alaskan Cod and then watched some TV.

Im going on a tangent. I have always been a huge fan of NCIS. Well they franchised and started NCIS: Los Angeles. I REALLY like this show. The show has LL Cool J, Chris O’Donnel, Barret Foa (gay and cute!) and Linda Hunt whom I adore!

On the Friday before Memorial Day, I had a heart attack. For those that don’t know, this is my 4th attack. That’s right my fourth. I beat the “3 strikes and you’re out” rule. Someone up there wants me around. I know I still have much to contribute to life.

My first three attacks were low on the severity of attacks. The three previous times I had some blockage and I had some stents installed to open up the arteries that were clogged. The doctors said I needed to lose weight, change my diet to control my sugar for my Type II Diabetes and control my sodium for my High Blood Pressure.

Did I do that? Simple answer is no. Sure, I started and within months I was back to my old routine which usually consisted of no breakfast, a very late lunch and then dinner right before bed. Not having breakfast made my body starve and then my body would generate sugars that would bring my blood sugar levels above 200. Ideally you want your blood sugars below 130. As time went on, I’d stop cooking and go bck to a daily schedule of fast food. Wendy’s, McDonalds and Del Taco became regular stops for me. As I look at my breakdown of expenses in 2010, I scared myself on how much money I spent on fast food.

Now when I do cook at home, I’m usually pretty good. I have always watched my sodium in my home cooking. I’m not much of a sweets guy, so my own enemy was usually the sugars my body created from carb overload. Over time my cooking would lose out to “time” and fast food and frozen dinners would take place. Have you ever looked at the nutritional info on the side of most “Lean Cuisines”, “Budget Gourmet” or those frozen pot pies?? Its sodium, sodium, sodium!!

So let’s talk about weight. At my heaviest I was 270+. For years I would fluctuate, but only within a 5-10 pound difference. I can say that probably for the last few years I have hovered at that weight. I had absolutely no exercise routine. I convinced myself that all the walking I was doing at work was enough. Yeah..right. I was too tired to work out. For three months I even hired a personal trainer. Did I do what he said. Sure, for a few weeks, then eventually I completely stopped seeing him altogether.

On the Friday before Memorial Day (May 27) I started my day just like any other day. Got up, skipped breakfast and headed to work. Worked my day and left around 4ish. I got home and took a nap. I got up a few hours later and my chest felt weird. I thought it was heartburn. I had some of those deep fried mac n cheese things from Del Taco before I got home. So, I took a Zantac 150 and an hour later I was still feeling it. I had gotten some sushi and after the 2nd bite I started to feel nauseous. My chest started to tighten and at that point I said this is not heartburn. I started to panic and rushed to the bedroom and looked for my messenger bag. I have had a small bottle of Nitroglycerin pills in the outside pocket. I have NEVER used them. It was probably 3 years old. I took a pill and put it under my tongue. I was also worried that it was no longer potent. There was a bit of a sting under my skin so I knew it was still working. The next thing I did was SO STUPID!

I didn’t want to make a scene in the apartment complex, so I made it into my car and drove myself to the ER at Saddleback Memorial. I parked the car in the lot and walked up to the ER. I walked up to the counter and said I was having chest pains. The dude was so calm and asked me to fill out a form. I couldn’t fill it out. My hands were shaking and I was getting really scared. He saw this and called the nurse. The nurse brought me out back and she asked me what was going on. I took my shirt off and they put 12 leads on me to do an EKG. Next thing I know I’m putting on a gown. My flip flops fall off and I’m asked to disrobe.

Next thing I know this guy walks over and starts barking orders to everyone. Do this and do that. It was making me uncomfortable. I turned to the nurse and she said I was heading to the Cath Lab. The Cath Lab is where they do angioplasties and stent installation. The go in thru and opening in your groin with a lead that follows the main after from the leg to the heart. Here that can see the blockage as I subject to a low level constant x-ray so they can see what’s going on. I asked the nurse who he was and told her I was nervous about the weird karma I was getting off of him. She smirked and said, don’t worry he’s one of the best and he’s not so bad. This was my introduction to Dr. Masters, colleague to my cardiologist Dr. Daniel LaMont. They put me in a conscious sedated state. They want me lucid enough to answer questions along the way. A few minutes into it I told them I was feeling something and then nothing.

I was unconscious.

I have no idea how long I was out. This is where things get interesting. I wake up and the nurse is asking me if I’m with her. I look up at her and I’m so confused. I hear a voice from at the foot of the bed and he says “here we go again, get ready…” next thing I hear is someone say CLEAR and I experience one of the most unbelievable amount of pain. I was being defibrillated. My body clenched and I turn my head towards the nurse and I know I have this look of horror on my face. She says she’s sorry but they have to do it I was in the middle of the actual attack. I can taste blood in my mouth and she puts a suction tube in my mouth and tells me to open so she can clear it. Apparently I had bitten my tongue during one of the defibrillations. Then someone says we have to do it again. I look up at the nurse and I said can you tell me when its going to happen and then someone yells CLEAR. I must have been conscious for about 4 of them. Somewhere after that I was unconscious again. All in all, I was told they had to shock me close to a dozen times.

I woke up, again, not knowing how much time had passed. I was in a bed in the ICU. I was somewhat in pain. I tried to move, but it felt like I couldn’t. After a few seconds I was able to move my fingers then my arms. My legs were wrapped in something that felt like some kind of massager. There was some kind of harness around my groin area. This was to make sure I didn’t open the incision they made earlier. The nurse came in and asked me how I was feeling. She introduced herself as Tracy. For the next two days, she was there. She told me what had happened. I had vague flashbacks and remember how many people were standing around me and how many were standing out in the hallway looking in. Most of all, I remember that pain of the electricity. I was really out of it was coming in and out of consciousness. I find out later, that my sisters had been sitting in the ER waiting room and had no idea what was going on behind the ER doors.

Someone must have told them eventually as I got to see them. I still don’t think they know what I had gone thru. My sisters and I have been slowly drifting apart over the years and this experience has really shown me that family ALWAYS matter. My sisters have been with me since day 1. The have been supportive and they have been here to help every step of the way. My parents have been trying to call but of course my phone battery died. They eventually got a hold of my sister and she filled them in. I think they were ready to hop on a plane. I told them not to.

The next few days I would find myself experiencing a sponge bath, having a catheter placed, well… you know and then having it removed. Slowly my strength would come back enough that I then graduated to the Telemetry floor. There I would have a roommate and I would wear a portable EKG transmitter that would be monitored at the nurses station. Gone is the hi-tech ICU room which was private (it was encased in glass…but you know what I mean). I was moved to a room with another heart patient. Bless his heart, but his family would not leave his side. Every friend and relative seem to be streaming into the room at all hours of the day and into the night. It was very difficult for me to rest as I always felt like I was on display. His wife wouldn’t leave and would sleep in the room with us. Don’t get me wrong, they are a very close knit family and I’m glad he is getting all the attention, but really….I need my time to recuperate too. My sisters and the kids would come after work and on the weekends. It got to be pretty lonely there with my view being the curtain that surrounded the bed, the beeps of the monitors and the occasional cute PCT (patient care technicians) that would come to take my blood pressure or needed blood. I would lay there saying to myself how cute he was and then I replace that with “Scott you’re in a hospital and almost died and you’re thinking about how cute he is”? I would chuckle inside and focus. I had four IV lines in my arms. Why couldn’t they draw blood from there? They had to poke me every time and I think they were running out of places. One tech just couldn’t get it right and kept moving the needle under the skin. I got over my fear of needles in like the 5th grade, but this one was making me very uncomfortable. Then there are the techs that come in the middle of the night and with the glow of the lights from the hallway are able to poke and draw blood in the dark!

Oddly in all of this I am thinking about work. I had my sister bring a charger and my iPad. Once I had access to the free hospital-provided WiFi I was connected. I was emailing my good friend Tim and keeping in touch with others. Telling the story was quite difficult and each time I told it I would feel anxiety. I swear that if I didn’t have my iPad I would go insane. I would spend the next few days in telemetry. Those days in telemetry also introduced me to the world of wearing a CPAP mask at night. My primary care doctor insisted that I wear it and he is convinced I suffer from sleep apnea. This mask covers the mouth and nose and it forces air in and out. (Technically mine is a BiPAP unit since it draws air in and out). A CPAP only pushes air – well that’s how I understood it. That mask made me feel so claustrophobic. I felt like I couldn’t get fresh air. In addition this thing made alot of noise and felt like I was Darth Vader. I can’t tell you the number of times I said in my head “Luke, I am your father…”. It was crazy. Then I was getting self conscious about the mask and started to get worried that I was keeping my roommate and his wife awake all night with the sound. That’s right “I” was worried about bothering them. See…I’m always the giving person.

It was interesting listening to his story about how he thought his was heartburn too. I would listen to his wife scold him for not going to the doctor more often, then end the scold with a hug and a kiss. they were really worried about him. There was discussion of needing a defibrillator installed in his heart – but they weren’t sure. When I heard the doctors talk to him about that, I started wondering if I was going to need one too? The defibrillator would shock the heart when the heart would have an arrhythmia heartbeat. It would then shock you until the heart was back in normal sinus rhythm. I laid there wondering if that “shock” felt the same as the paddles or if was like putting a 9-volt battery on your tongue. I mean this things run on a lithium battery and it sits just under the skin. To tell you the truth I don’t want to know.

After a week, the doctor releases me to home care. Yay, I get to go home. I get to sleep in my own bed. Note to self, wright a letter to the purchasing department of the hospital. Suggest to them that they should sleep in the beds they buy so they can understand what it feels like after several days. I think they would be surprised to find that they are very uncomfortable and might make a different selection. I say they should get in partnerships with the mattress industry to come up with a mattress that is both comfortable and functional to the bells and whistles of a bed that can be contorted in 18 million ways.

But I digress…

I finally get home with a list of medications that would stretch from here to the moon! I currently take about 22 pills a day. Ugh. I would laugh as the nurses would always ask if I want to take them in little steps or if I could take them all at once. I would laugh inside and make a bad joke in my head then swallow the pills down. I don’t know how pharmaceutical companies think that the human throat can swallow pills the size of dimes – but I manage regardless…

After a nap I get up and go to the restroom, then to the living room and sit on the couch. I’m sitting upright and I start to feel this tingling sensation all over my chest and it starts to spread outward to my arms. I start to panic, I called my sister as she was only a few miles away and told her to get here right away. I’m on the phone with her and my breathing gets shorter and labored. I make it down the stairs and we head back towards the one place I have been dreading. I walk into the ER and explain what is happening. It is now almost EXACTLY one week from when I had the heart attack. I come around and the same nurse is on duty and asked what the hell I was doing there. I told her that I was just discharged several hours ago and that I was having a strange feeling in my chest. There are no rooms. The hospital is literally FULL. The ER was full and they were even doing triage in the hallways. They find an empty triage room and I’m laying there and she asks for the EKG technician. He was working on another patient so she grabs the cart and starts to put the leads on. She looks at it and then walks out the door. She comes back with the tech (who is way cute by the way…) and asks him to look at the readings. He looks, looks at me and then back at the screen. He then starts to check the leads on my body. I’m freaking out as they have this look on their face. He prints it out and heads out the door. A few minutes later, they both get me on a gurney and into a room that is painted with kids’ murals. She said they couldn’t find anything wrong but the attending wants me to stay for several hours for observation. They drew blood to see if my Troponin levels were high. So it turns out that when organs are damaged or in distress the release enzymes into the blood to indicate there is something room. The heart releases “troponin”. At this point, I am very calm. My breathing is normal and I wasn’t having the tingling anymore. A couple of hours later I am being told they want to check me back in for a few days…

WHAT?!?!? They wanted to make sure that it wasn’t anything. The next couple of days I would find myself back in Telemetry but in the East wing. I was in a room with two other patients but the room was large and had a bathroom with a shower. Turns out this was a donated room and was special. They wheeled me to my new room and told me to get comfortable. The PCT that evening was very cute and I was distracted. It is 1:00am at this point. My sisters come in to see how I was doing and they leave. I then notice that the PCT was staying in the room and was at a computer workstation that was parked in front of the 2nd patient. I tried to see if his typing correlated to anything that was happening in the room. The patient would snort and then groan and go back to bed. I would then hear the typing. But then there would be long periods without any noise from the patient and I would still hear typing. The respiratory tech shows up and wheels the CPAP machine next to my bed. “Awww man…really”? I said. He said, yes, doctor’s orders. So I do the joke in my head about being Luke’s father started to fall asleep. Then out of no where this guy comes in and tells the patient next to me that someone is coming to interview him. What?? It’s the middle of the night. Then I’m putting my thinking hat on and maybe this guy did some crime and that why he had someone with him 24/7. The nurse says that it is late and that he might be as coherent as he needs to be.

Morning couldn’t get there fast enough. I woke up to sounds of an irritable elderly man who was irate at the technician. He kept saying he wanted to leave and was this a god damn prison? So the interviewer shows up. He starts asking him about whether or not the patient knows where he is at, who the President is and if he knew his birthday. I have to say he had some difficulty except when he said “that Obama guy…” Then the interview got interesting. He asked if he knew why he was in the hospital. Well it turns out that he had a fire in his house. Seems he came home from the grocery store and put the bag on the stove (I assume it is gas). The kitchen caught on fire. Well I now realize that the interviewer is a psychiatrist. They wanted to know if he was competent enough to be released as his injuries from smoke inhalation was no long needing to keep in the hospital. They needed to make sure he would be ok. But then it get’s better. Apparently sometime the day before he was complaining about wanting to leave and he says something about wanting a gun and wants to get out of prison. I guess gun and let me out don’t mix well and the hospital put him on 24/7 watch. The doctor asked why he wanted a gun and the patient explains it was a figure of speech and that he would never actually shoot a gun. Well after several hours they must have determined he was ok and they released him. There was some drama with his housekeeper/care provider and her daughter. He eventually would leave. We had the room to ourselves now. The third patient in the room was very quiet and would cough now and then. He was a very elderly Chinese man who had some kind of surgery. The whole time I was there, no one came to visit him. He would pull out his cell phone and talk to someone, but never saw anyone but nurses and doctors. This was another moment that I was happy that my sisters and Tim have come to visit me while I was in the hospital. We a few days later the doctor is finally convinced I can go home. A couple of days earlier I was in the hallways walking around making sure I had enough strength and to show off to the staff that “I was ok…”. Unfortunately it would be 2 days later that I got to leave.

I have to say that nurses have the worse job, but I am grateful for each and every one of them. I couldn’t do what they do. I couldn’t put up with reckless and irate patients. I couldn’t deal with those “duties” you know have to be done. You know what I’m talking about. Those nurses are dedicated and genuinely want to help people. It’s interesting you can instantly tell the ones who don’t want to be there and treat the job like its a bother to them. It’s very annoying. Some of the technicians had this attitude and it was a bit off-putting, but overall the staff at Saddleback is one of the best. The cardiac department is one of the best in the nation it seems.

It is now the start of my third week away from the office and I’m getting ready to return. I have been having some dizziness and nausea ever since I got home. I met with my primary as I wanted to confirm these were side effects of my meds and not something more serious. Turns out he says its the meds. He told me I could return on the 18th and that he wanted to see me in three months. He was so casual about it. Ok bye.

Well a week goes by and the 18th comes. I am excited about returning to the office and seeing everyone. I get up that morning, get ready, have breakfast (I have been having a steady diet of Cheerios and low fat milk every day for breakfast). I got showered, dressed and started on my way to work. I was sweating. I couldn’t figure it out. I figured I was just hot. I get to work and start to see everyone. Everyone is welcoming me back and there is a “Welcome back” sign on my desk. The whole time I am just sweating. Friends are noticing and ask and I say that my blood sugars must be off. I have an appointment with my cardiologist today. It’s about 10:15 and I head back to Saddleback to have a followup with my doctor.

He asks how I’m doing and I said I was good, but also explained about the dizziness and nausea along with a couple of other side effects that I won’t go into detail about here. They take my blood pressure and it seems normal, 110/68. We reviewed my meds and made some adjustments and told me he wanted to see me in 3 weeks (not 3 months like my primary) and that he wanted to make sure my heart was doing ok. I hop off the examination table, put on my shirt and walk to the lobby to pay my co-pay. I lean against the counter and tell the nurse that I was feeling dizzy. She asks if I want to sit down and I said that I was ok, it will pass. I’m typing on my iPhone to put my next appointment in and then…

I passed out.

Less than a minute later I open my eyes and I see 4 people looking down at me. I panic thinking that I’m about to be shocked again. The nurse pats my hand and asks me what my name was. My doctor said to get a cuff and get a blood pressure reading. I try to get up but told to stay on the floor. The nurse said she looked up, my eyes rolled up and I went down and also hit my head on the ground. My BP was in the 60s I think she said. They continue to ask how I feel. At this point I actually am feeling better. They continue to ask my name and what day it is and if I know where I was. I guess they were concerned that I might have a concussion from the fall and that I wasn’t mentally impaired. The BP reading continues to be low. The doctor then asked if I had anything to eat this morning and if I did a blood sugar reading. I told him that I had and that it was 173. They were scrambling for a blood sugar kit and they then suspected that I passed out due to low blood sugar. Someone gets some orange juice and I take a few sips from the straw. My feet are now on a chair above my body. They do the readying at it is 163. Well its not blood sugar and then they say don’t give me anymore OJ! At this point the paramedics arrive. Even tho they are next to the hospital, procedure dictates that they had to call the paramedics. OK, I was definitely feeling better as 3 hunky paramedics are all around me. They put in an IV line and start to administer saline. They go thru the questions again: name, where I’m at, my birthday. They are being very attentive and ask how I’m feeling. They get the EKG leads on me and get a reading. The doctor looks at it and says he wants me to go to the ER. Oh no, I said…not again!

Moments later the ambulance shows up and of course, two cute guys show up with a gurney. They ask if I feel good enough to stand up and I said I thought so. So two of the paramedics extend their arms towards me and I grip their hands as they pull me up. They ask if I’m ok. I get on the gurney and they have me propped up. They wheel me out and all the while I had an audience – the other patients in the lobby. I’m feeling particularly embarrassed at this point. Not to mention embarrassed in front of these hot guys with my shirt wide open. We get to the elevators and they commandeer it saying they had an emergency. We were on the fifth floor and I looked at the elevator and said there is no way the gurney is going to fit. But somehow it does and I’m in an elevator packed of cute guys. I digress again.

They could have wheeled me over to the ER doors, but policy once again dictated I had to be driven in. So they put me in the ambulance. One of the paramedics stays with me and taking vitals. They drive around the block and drive up to the ambulance bay. They wheel me into the ER and rushed into a bay. The nurses come in and start to take over from the paramedics. The beeping starts, the blood is drawn and I’m on a constant BP machine. I would be there for about 4 hours. They even did a CAT scan of my head to make sure I didn’t have a concussion. I asked the tech what the difference was between a CT scan and a CAT scan and he said its the same thing. Back in the ER the ER doc came by to introduce himself and to say that they believe that I may have just blacked out due to my blood pressure being so low. I look up at the monitor and the Systolic is in the mid 80s. Whoa. Meanwhile, my cardiologist shows up and says that my CT scan was clear and that my blood tests were clear. They wanted to wait until my blood pressure was above 100 before they would release me. Eventually it did and I went home.

It is four weeks later and I have been resting and getting my strength back. My cardiologist said he is not recommending my return to work until I have completed cardiac rehab and that my body has made the time to get used to the new meds and blood pressure. He asked why I went back to work and I told him that my primary gave me the OK. He said that he should have made that determination as this was a heart attack. I would later find out that I could be out of work for most of the summer. Cardiac rehab will take about 6 weeks, 3x a week. Once I have gotten the OK from therapy, I then need to have a followup with my cardiologist, do an ECG (sonogram to look at my heart) and a nuclear stress test. The nuclear stress test will allow the doctors to see how much damage was done to my right artery. I was told that the right artery was completely blocked. My two left arteries were completely clear. I asked what that meant and they said that the muscle flap that works the right artery is damaged and probably won’t work anymore. They said I was not a candidate for a bypass and that many people live with just two arteries. He said they were going to treat this with medicine and keep an eye on it. However I had to do my part: lose weight, change of diet, watch the salt and sugar. They said there is no reason I can’t go many, many years with no complications of the blocked artery, but time will tell.

I’m happy to report that as of today I have lost about 40 pounds since that reading of 275 in January. I don’t know how much I was during my stay in the hospital, but since I have been home, I have been losing about a pound a day. My coat size has gone down from a 52 to 48 and pants that I haven’t been able to wear, ever, now fit. I also have shirts that I haven’t been able to wear that now fit. I have a habit of buying clothes off the rack and not try them on. I get them home only to find that I can’t even button them up. For whatever reason I keep them around in the closet and I’m happy to report that I now fit in them. I have to keep going. I”m only able to have enough energy to do about 10-15 minutes worth of walking. I’m taking naps and everyday seems to get better.

I also have some of he best friends around. Shannon made a dish for me so I had something to eat and even bought me groceries. I was touched and teared up when she dropped it off. My sisters have been awesome thru all of this and truly happy I have them in my life.

This is it Scott. No more chances, no more bullshitting. Yes I beat the 3 strikes rule, but if I don’t continue with the life saving things I have to do, I have no one else to blame for the next incident, except for myself.

I still have flashbacks to being shocked on the table and I get scared, but I have to find the strength inside of me to take that fear and turn it into action and something positive. I still find myself laying in bed and sometimes hear my heartbeat and it scares me to hear. I watch a TV show and someone is having a heart attach and it scares the shit out of me. I still remember the automated speaker system call a code blue and hearing nurses in the hallways running towards another patient that is coding. Then there are the funny moments like when weeks later I still finding medical tape adhesive somewhere on my body. Am I scared, fuck yeah. Can I do it, I think so. It will not be easy…

But life isn’t easy, is it…

Apple releases a new iPad 2 ad…

Tom Gerhardt and Dan Provost came up with the Cosmonaut. A new stylus for your iPad/iPad2. Their premise is that a stylus based on the feel and size of a dry erase marker is more synonymous with the iPad than a pencil based stylus. I think I agree!

Their story was on kickstarter.com. Their funding came thru plus more!