The World of Scott Mindeaux

Dealing with Death

Coming close to death a few times on my own is hard enough, but dealing with the death of a loved one or friend is just as hard for me.

I had an uncle here in Irvine and a friend in DC pass away in the last 48 hours and I’m feeling very numb. I know it’s not about me, but all my thoughts in the last two days have been about my fear of dying. I can’t get it out of my head. This feeling has got me freaking out about every skip of my heartbeat (recently found out I have an arrhythmia), every weird feeling in my chest and body and afraid to go to sleep for fear I might not wake up.

My heart and thoughts goes out to family and friends of my uncle and that of my friend. Extended family is flying in from all over the country over the next few days to come and pay their respects to my uncle.

I don’t do funerals. I just don’t. Is that bad? Am I being disrespectful? The last funeral I attended was that of my grandmother in the early 90s. After that experience I couldn’t take it. I found myself completely emotionless. With my own recent brushes with death starting in 2002 with my first heart attack I have not been able to get myself to attend a funeral.

I’m scared. It’s a reminder to me that life is given and can be taken away at an instant. Seeing people in mourning hurts. Again, I think to what would happen if I didn’t survive the last heart attack. According to the doctors, I very nearly didn’t.

I don’t want my family and friends to be mourning my passing. I don’t want to think or be reminded of my mortality.

I know it sounds selfish, but I’m sorry. There have been family members, both extended and close that have past away in the years since my grandmother’s death, and I never went to the funerals. Even as I sit here writing this entry, I am absolutely terrified of the thought. It’s not that I’m not in mourning, I am very sad that they have past away. Very sad. Please don’t equate my own fears of mortality with lack of respect or lack of mourning. I deal with mourning in my own way, in private.

I feel horrible that I have avoided ceremonial funerals. I just feel like I’ll exploded inside and that my own demise will take place right there and then. Is this bad? Am I a bad person for feeling this way?

I haven’t slept, and I’m constantly thinking about mortality. I’ve tried to distract myself from time to time, but it doesn’t take much for me to turn laughter into sadness at the blink of an eye. The next few days will be hard for me as family members will be flying in and will expect to see me at the funeral.

Hug your loved ones. Savor life. BE life.

Every moment you are here on this precious world is sacred.

How’s The Weekend So Far?

What a weekend! On Saturday I spent most of it running from store to store looking at various zoom lenses. I’m attending a fundraiser event later today up in Los Angeles benefitting GLAAD. The event is co-sponsored by Bravo and it’s called Top Chef Invasion. Chef Jamie Lauren and Chef Rich Sweeney will be battling it out for the guests. Former Next Food Network Star contestant Paul McCollough will be serving as emcee for this event.

Later today, if I wake up, I have to head up to LA just a tad bit early. I’m still looking for a lens case to hold my zoom lense and I also need a lens hood.  More importantly, I need to find a nice shirt to wear to the event. I’ve never actually attended a fundraiser like this before. Lots of Hollywood star power will be there as well as other celebrity chefs. I’m covering the event for my food blog, FoodieInDisguise.com.

Hopefully I’ll be able to find a lens case there. Thanks again go out to my friend Ian at work who graciously lent me his Canon camera at the last minute to cover this event. My friend Tim is attneding the fundraiser with me, then we’re supposed to attend this Stepehn Schwarz event at the Ford Theater in LA.

Hopefully I’ll make it back to the OC in one piece – translation: stay away from the hosted bar!

Friday I took the day off and worked on the food blog and interviewed a team member from a new Sur La Table that is opening up at South Coast Plaza. Later I did some shopping and then headed over to my sister’s place and hung out with them. I hung out mostly with my nephew Dallas and the little one, Jessica. This is probably the first time that she has hung out with me without mom in tow. She is a HUGE Dora the Explorer fan and it is amazing how she can find the one Dora item in the store and focus on it.  She is so adorable, she if fast approaching her 3rd birthday. Dallas is doing well and entering his junior year. He’s started his prep for the SATs and he showed me his practice book from collegeboard.com and I almost had a heart attack! It brought back such bad memories! I was able to answer quite a few questions from the verbal section, but the math stuff, omg….did we really learn all that and then what did we do with it after it?? It was nice hanging out with them and with Jessica, who incidentally doesn’t  call me Uncle Scott, she just calls me Scott!

Well if you are going to be at the GLAAD Top Chef event today, make sure to say hello!!

I’m Not OK With It…

My parents are moving away. Not just moving but moving overseas. For the last day and a half a full size cargo container has been parked in front of the house and they have been filling it up with furniture, with boxes with everything! Over the last 30 hours I have been seeing pieces of “history” put into the truck. The house is starting to look void of anything that was “the house”. This was the house I grew up in.

• The pictures of me from being a kid on up are gone. Packed.
• The photo albums. Gone
• The mismatched plates and silverware my parents insisted on keeping. In a box.
• My room that became my mom’s. Empty
• The piano I took all those lessons on. First on the truck.
• The pictures over the couch that have been there for 20 years. Gone in a flash.
• All the arguments from the past lingering in the air. Blown away
• All the hugs, all the fights, all the memories…still in my head

I guess I still have that. But I really don’t want them to go. I mean my parents will be half way around the world. I’m being selfish I know. It’s what they want.

The house is a mess. It’s a big nightmare. In addition to my parents stuff leaving, all my sister’s stuff is moving in. You see, my sister and her family moved in over a year ago and they will continue to stay there even after my parents leave. We also have been dealing with the death of a friend of the family. It has been on all of our mind, especially my parents who are the most closest to him. They were going to Las Vegas on Sunday, but they are going on Monday. The wake is scheduled for Monday afternoon. My mom and dad are going to pay their respects.

On Wednesday they leave for the Philippines. Wednesday will be a long day.

Time Will Move Faster for the Next Few Weeks

I went to my parent’s place last night for dinner and got some news. It looks like my parents have finally gotten clearance to travel and they are packing up the house and moving overseas on April 15.

The cargo container that will ship their belongings to the Philippines will leave on or around April 1. This means they have less than 2 weeks to get everything packed and ready. My dad has hired cargo container packers to help with filling up the behemoth. This cargo container will then travel the Pacific in a trip that could take up to 12 days by sea.

Once in Manila, they will hire a truck driver to drive the cargo container to their new home in Tagaytay. I’m sure may friends of the family will be on hand to help unpack the container and see what treasures my parents have brought from the States.

I can’t believe this is all finally happening. I mean, it’s not like it was a surprise, but my dad has really accelaerated his schedule. I guess we will be having a huge joint birthday celebration for me, my mom and my niece, Toni before they leave.

My parents won’t be back for a a visit until the Holidays.

So things will be moving fast at the house. I’m getting ready to leave for Chicago for a week andd my parents have tons of packing.

My Family and Hospitals

A friend recently asked, “What is it about your family and hospitals?”

My 15 year old nephew was in a skateboarding accident on Saturday and suffered a skull fracture and a broken clavicle. The fracture in his head is too close to an artery. They have been CAT scanning him to make sure there is no further hemmoraging. 

So far the swelling has been minimal. He drifts in and out of consciousness, but most probably due to the pain killers, but he is somewhat responsive, which is good.

My sister stayed with him last night and I stayed as long as I could. He is in the CHOC PICU and under good care.

He was skateboarding with a bunch of friends that video records everything. The accident was caught on tape. I don’t know that I can watch it. My sister and my brother-in-law have seen it.

Be well Damian.

TB Scare

I got a call from my sister while I was in a meeting with the CEO of my company. She left a voicemail, but I didn’t listen to it until about an hour later.

My mom is in the hospital – no other details. I rushed over to the new Kaiser Hospital in Irvine and tried to find where she was. She was admitted and I was sent upstairs. When I got there I talked to the nurse and she said I’d have to get in a gown and put on a respirator (similar to a surgical mask). 

I was like, what!?!? She siad I had to put n the gear as she was in an isolation room. Again, I said, what?!?! She’s being isolated due to a threat that she might have TB (tuberculosis). 

WHAT!?!?!

Turns out that two days ago my mom started to spit up blood. My dad took here in today as it started to get to be more blood than mucous with some blood in it. Gross, I know. 

They are keeping her in the hospital to determine that she doesn’t TB before they move on to the next set of tests. An xray of her chest will be taken and that will be the first indicators. They also administered a PPD skin test.

She will be in the hospital for a minimum of three days as they try to get to the bottom of things.

I had to wear a mask since I haven’t been exposed to my mom since she started having symptoms. If she does have it, my sisters and their families will have to be tested as well as my dad. I haven’t been home in over a week, so I most likely don’t have it. Hoever, if it turns out she has it, I’m getting tested, regardless.

I went home feeling helpless, but my mom said to go home and get some rest. She knows I have been sleeping problems lately. I’ll check up on mom, tomorrow afternoon.