Coming close to death a few times on my own is hard enough, but dealing with the death of a loved one or friend is just as hard for me.
I had an uncle here in Irvine and a friend in DC pass away in the last 48 hours and I’m feeling very numb. I know it’s not about me, but all my thoughts in the last two days have been about my fear of dying. I can’t get it out of my head. This feeling has got me freaking out about every skip of my heartbeat (recently found out I have an arrhythmia), every weird feeling in my chest and body and afraid to go to sleep for fear I might not wake up.
My heart and thoughts goes out to family and friends of my uncle and that of my friend. Extended family is flying in from all over the country over the next few days to come and pay their respects to my uncle.
I don’t do funerals. I just don’t. Is that bad? Am I being disrespectful? The last funeral I attended was that of my grandmother in the early 90s. After that experience I couldn’t take it. I found myself completely emotionless. With my own recent brushes with death starting in 2002 with my first heart attack I have not been able to get myself to attend a funeral.
I’m scared. It’s a reminder to me that life is given and can be taken away at an instant. Seeing people in mourning hurts. Again, I think to what would happen if I didn’t survive the last heart attack. According to the doctors, I very nearly didn’t.
I don’t want my family and friends to be mourning my passing. I don’t want to think or be reminded of my mortality.
I know it sounds selfish, but I’m sorry. There have been family members, both extended and close that have past away in the years since my grandmother’s death, and I never went to the funerals. Even as I sit here writing this entry, I am absolutely terrified of the thought. It’s not that I’m not in mourning, I am very sad that they have past away. Very sad. Please don’t equate my own fears of mortality with lack of respect or lack of mourning. I deal with mourning in my own way, in private.
I feel horrible that I have avoided ceremonial funerals. I just feel like I’ll exploded inside and that my own demise will take place right there and then. Is this bad? Am I a bad person for feeling this way?
I haven’t slept, and I’m constantly thinking about mortality. I’ve tried to distract myself from time to time, but it doesn’t take much for me to turn laughter into sadness at the blink of an eye. The next few days will be hard for me as family members will be flying in and will expect to see me at the funeral.
Hug your loved ones. Savor life. BE life.
Every moment you are here on this precious world is sacred.Filed under: Family, Health Status, Personal Log