The World of Scott Mindeaux 2k5 is falling apart
So where the frack have I been lately?
Why hasn’t there been a real blog entry in over 2-3 weeks?
Where the hell is my “daily” podcast?
The answer: I don’t know. I’m so out of my mind these days. I’m literally going insane living at home. I found myself in a fit of rage today and started throwing things all over the kitchen tonight. I stood there in the kitchen asking myself “what the fuck?” Why am I so angry. Why do I harbor such intesnse feelings of anxiety and disappointment at my mom? I’m NOT going to get into the details in an open forum, even though I told myself I would not censor my own blog entries. They are, however, my thoughts. But thoughts I think not best shared with the world at this time.
I want to move out. I’m going crazy. Every moment I spend at home, my body begins to tense and I can feel my blood pressure increasing. Here’s something I’ll share. Every day for the last two weeks, my mom has been entering my room and moving things around. She feels compelled to put the cap back on my tube of hair gel that is on the bathroom sink. She’ll move things around in my closet. She constantly puts my shoes under my bed. “Under the bed” is forbidden territory for me. I don’t put ANYTHING under the bed and I don’t go LOOKING for ANYTHING under the bed. It must be something left over from my childhood, but I stay away. So when I come home and see that my shoes have been tucked under the bed, she has changed how I like things arranged in my bathroom, feels compelled to move items on my desk – I get upset. Leave my room alone.
But I can’t get myself to tell my mom to stop. I can’t get myself to say to my mom: let me live MY life. Let me live it that way I SEE BEST for ME. The root of all of this is probably my knowledge that my mom feels the need to change things in my life because of her feelings about her homosexual son who won’t find salvation in God to release me of my wrong doings. Now I don’t want any of you who are most spiritual to start coming down on me. My relationship with God is between me and Him. No one else. I have always felt uncomfortable with organized religion even after having to endure Parochial schooling from pre-school to the 5th grade. When my mom talks of God helping me find the answers to my problems I honestly have to say in my head, my relationship with God isn’t going to change who I am. Yes, He is a source of spiritualness and encouragement even for me. If I was not meant to be gay, then why did He make me? I always ask myself that question when someone uses religion towards me to “fix” my way of life. My mother blames all the bad things in my life to one thing…that I’m gay. I honestly think that she feels my life is bad because I choose to live in sin. So I think she constantly feels the need to “help me” and by that she has to nit pick on all the little things in my head and on my bedroom dresser.
I think that is why I resisted so much that I lived down to my last dollar in Seattle, on the brink of eviction becuase I would not be able to pay rent, rather than live at home. I tried so hard to look for work in Seattle, only to be shunned away by employers because I can’t explain why I took a three year sabbatical to pursue a dream of being in the culinary arts. To feel demoralized that employers feel I have retained no knwledge of my previous life in IT and can’t possibly contribute.
The whole job front thing is still looming over my head. Some of you probably don’t know that I took a full time position with that IT contractor I’ve been working for these last few weeks. But there have been days already that I question whether I took the job because I was desperate after almost half a year not working. The things I am doing for work don’t make me feel proud of what I’m doing. No, its not illegal activity or anything of that sort. It how I feel about what my actual day to day duties are. I need to get a handle of this very soon or things wil spiral out of control on this one. I need to know what it is I’m destined to do for this company. I’m feeling uneasiness with the thought that I’m just a tech and now glorified mover. Yes, I’ve entered into the business of moving boxes and crates. Not necessarily boxes or crates of computers, keyboards, NIC cards or patch cables, but crates of personal belongings, bulletin boards, chairs and trash cans. It’s a long story that I won’t get into here tonite. However, allow me to say that I think this company has great potential. My boss is a go-getter and I think he is the best person at the helm to bring in new business. I think his company has the potential to do good things and a force to be recon with. But this is a budding new company that is still in it’s growing phase and maybe I don’t have the discipline to be in a start-up company. But maybe that’s why I took the job. I see myself as a pivotal role in the success of this company. I have alot to offer and I hope that my boss sees that and that is the reason he hired me. I need to get my head on straight on this one. One, I need the job. Two, I don’t want to be bored sitting at home anymore. Three, I need the money. All very important motivators. But yet I feel uneasy.
My computer is still fracked. I currently don’t have the resources available to me at this time to put a podcast together. If I do, it will be Scott Mindeaux Unplugged. No music, no sweepers and no high quality recording. It will have to be me with the built-in mic of my iBook and all the background noise my room affords. So stay tuned and please don’t give up on me.
I just re-read this post and reliazed it is a blog of disjointed thoughts. I don’t know how to feel right now. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know what is in store for me. I want to cry. I want to be somewhere else. I want to be alone.
I am sad.
Filed under: Personal Log
