August 30th, 2005 4:48 am |
Hello all, its been very difficult these last few weeks and I’ve losing the drive to continue my podcast. I’m feeling very down about alot of things happening in my life and its hard to pretend to be happy on air, when in my real life, I’m quite sad. The events of the last few months has been very telling and the whole unemployment, moving away from Seattle and DC and the constant reminders from my parents about how I live my life are beginning to take it’s toll.
Many of you have been so kind and have been supportive of the podcast and of me and I’m so very thankful for that. But at the same time, I think I have forgotten WHY I wanted to do this podcast and how I have turned it into something quite different. I wasn’t doing it for me anymore, I was doing it for other people. It was very easy to get off-track. We all took some time to listen to each other’s podcasts at the beginning, but somewhere along the line it started to feel like a contest. I found myself adding sound effects and doing soundbytes and doing sweepers for other shows. Commercializing my personal log. I wholeheartedly support the podcasts that I have had interactions with. Please, please don’t think that my support of your show was anything less than genuine. To this day, there are podcasts that I support regardless of their feelings for me as a person or as a show. Recently there were events that took place in our podcasting community that probably created lines of division that we never thought possible. There were many behind-the-scenes shifts in support of other podcasters and shows. I voiced my initial feelings about those events publicly, in an open forum and then I was accused of changing my stance in lieu of public pressure to shrug it off. You know what? That probably happened. And I don’t think that’s bowing to public pressure, it was MY OWN decision to re-evaluate a volatile situation after taking a step back, taking a deep breath and looking at the situation without the seeded anger that I had initially. I went into listening to the podcast with anger already in my head. I got very passionate, but wasn’t objective. Some of the most life changing events in our lives take place because of passion. I’m not saying that I’m dismissing the passionate feelings others have had about that event. I’m just saying that maybe…maybe…had we listened to that podcast without the initial anger, would we have felt the same way? Possibly. Possibly not. Who knows. But ever since that event, I lost someone who I thought was a friend. You know, someone said to me recently…its ok, you never really knew them “in-person” so it doesn’t count. Oh yes it does count. Some of my most treasured friends started as online friendships that later grew into something more. Without the advent of online chat rooms and BBS’ (yes..I’m showing my age), I may have turned out to be a much different person today. I probably would never have come out to myself or to anyone else. I probably would still be wading in a pool of guilt brought on by my parochial upbringing and I probably would still be an introvert to the nth degree. I probably would not have been able to form my own opinions and learn that its ok to voice them and have open discussion about it. I probably wouldn’t be here typing about it in an open blog.
So where does this leave things? I don’t know. My first priority right now, has to be finding employment. The last three-four months has been very hard for me. I have not experienced this kind of rejection before. Taking a sabbatical from my I.T. life to pursue my passion for the culinary arts was a very risky move. Another action I probably would never even consider had I not found my “inner voice”. And although it has been hard, I don’t think I would have regretted making that move. The experiences that I have collected personally and professionally during my culinary adventure are ones that I will treasure for a lifetime. But current perspective employers in the IT field, think I have suffered a massive case of amnesia and that I cannot possibly do any kind of IT work. What a bunch of bunk. I mean, I’m sorry to say that, but I’m just as capable as I ever was. Sure I might me a bit rusty, but given a chance, I think that any employer would be proud to have me on thier staff. I’m dedicated, passionate and I can be stubborn too. Mixed traits of someone who is willing to learn about himself and of others. So maybe its also time to apply that same stubbornness and dedication back into the “World of Scott Mindeuax 2k5″. There may be some frequent pauses between shows, but I’ll try to get something out at least weekly. So if you don’t see a podcast from me in a while, don’t forget to check out my written blog.
Thanks again to everyone who has been a listener and friend and allowing me to put my feelings on the air and on “paper”.