The World of Scott Mindeaux

Dealing with Death

Coming close to death a few times on my own is hard enough, but dealing with the death of a loved one or friend is just as hard for me.

I had an uncle here in Irvine and a friend in DC pass away in the last 48 hours and I’m feeling very numb. I know it’s not about me, but all my thoughts in the last two days have been about my fear of dying. I can’t get it out of my head. This feeling has got me freaking out about every skip of my heartbeat (recently found out I have an arrhythmia), every weird feeling in my chest and body and afraid to go to sleep for fear I might not wake up.

My heart and thoughts goes out to family and friends of my uncle and that of my friend. Extended family is flying in from all over the country over the next few days to come and pay their respects to my uncle.

I don’t do funerals. I just don’t. Is that bad? Am I being disrespectful? The last funeral I attended was that of my grandmother in the early 90s. After that experience I couldn’t take it. I found myself completely emotionless. With my own recent brushes with death starting in 2002 with my first heart attack I have not been able to get myself to attend a funeral.

I’m scared. It’s a reminder to me that life is given and can be taken away at an instant. Seeing people in mourning hurts. Again, I think to what would happen if I didn’t survive the last heart attack. According to the doctors, I very nearly didn’t.

I don’t want my family and friends to be mourning my passing. I don’t want to think or be reminded of my mortality.

I know it sounds selfish, but I’m sorry. There have been family members, both extended and close that have past away in the years since my grandmother’s death, and I never went to the funerals. Even as I sit here writing this entry, I am absolutely terrified of the thought. It’s not that I’m not in mourning, I am very sad that they have past away. Very sad. Please don’t equate my own fears of mortality with lack of respect or lack of mourning. I deal with mourning in my own way, in private.

I feel horrible that I have avoided ceremonial funerals. I just feel like I’ll exploded inside and that my own demise will take place right there and then. Is this bad? Am I a bad person for feeling this way?

I haven’t slept, and I’m constantly thinking about mortality. I’ve tried to distract myself from time to time, but it doesn’t take much for me to turn laughter into sadness at the blink of an eye. The next few days will be hard for me as family members will be flying in and will expect to see me at the funeral.

Hug your loved ones. Savor life. BE life.

Every moment you are here on this precious world is sacred.

Did the Disappearing Act Again…

Well it seems that I have fallen off the edge of the earth again… I have not posted on my blog in quite some time and I am REALLY, REALLY sorry. As many of you know I also have a food blog – FoodieInDisguise.com. I have been concentrating on posts there and neglecting my life outside of food.

Let’s see, the last thing I wrote about was about Downton Abbey and Torchwood. Who would have thought how much attention Downton Abbey has been getting over the last couple of months. American fascinated about the life of aristocrats and their servants. They even won a couple of Emmys! I am anxiously awaiting season 3.

Since my layoff, I have spent all of December, January and February looking for work. It is rough out there!! There ARE jobs. Lots of jobs actually. But you’re competing with hundreds of applicants. If you don’t get your resume in right away, it could get lost in a stack on a recruiters desk or stay unread in the HR managers email. You have to play this game of not being too early for fear of being buried, but not too late that they have already selected their first run candidates.

I went out on a few interviews. Some good, some bad. I applied for a position as a Jr. Mac Administrator position for a well known geographically based iPhone app that helps you located “people and friends” that a nearby. You know, the app wiht the black and yellow skull logo. Well I went into that interview and I wasn’t prepared. I totally fucked that interview up and the sad part is that I did know all the answers. I had been so out of practice, I literally forgot the answers. Out of practice you ask? Well, I haven’t actually been doing IT support work since November 2010, just before I took responsibility for moving Ignite to their new 30,000 square foot building. After successfully moving the company, I took more of an operations/facility role. So in essence, I haven’t been practicing Mac Admin for over a year. When I got there they also asked me a slew of OS X Lion questions. We were still Snow Leopard at the agency and I didn’t have any game with Lion in a corporate environment. Sure, I used it at home, but not like I would if it was deployed at the office. So, obviously I didn’t get a call-back. I knew I messed that one up. In hindsight it probably was a good thing. I struggled for a bit about how to explain where I worked. My duties and actual job would probably always be overshadowed by the fact that I worked for “you know who”. Let’s all be real here, that app is not as innocent as the iTunes store describes the app. [smile]

A couple more opportunities came across, some out of state and some in-state but in places like San Diego, San Francisco and the East Bay. I even thought about leaving IT again and pursuing something in culinary. Unfortunately, those opportunities were far and hard to find.

Being on unemployment sucks. Things have been very difficult lately. Rent and Cobra alone is more than what I take home in unemployment. I had already struggled thru some of my savings when I was out on medical leave last summer. I even had to sell things on Craigslist just to make ends meet. So where are things?

Well, let’s just say an awesome opportunity will be making itself known on March 1. It’s exciting and I can’t wait to see what that will turn into. Details after I hear back!

So what else has been going on? Ugh. I have gained 15 pounds back. I went from 275 to 227 and back up to 243. I think I went into a tailspin after the layoff and went back into bad habits. I started slacking off from going to the gym and eating all the wrong foods. I have started to get back on the diet (modified Paleo) and started going back to the gym again. It will be nice to have a routine again when the March 1 thing comes through. So let’s see how fast i can get myself back to 227 and then keep steady for a loss below 200!  Can I do it???

I am so behind on some of my cable shows. I had to stop paying for cable since I didn’t have the money for it. So I have missed a good chunk of shows from Bravo, Cooking Channel and The Food Network. It has been 3 months since I have watch a cooking show. I’m having withdrawals. Yes I have found some content online, but nothing is more relaxing for me than waking up on a Saturday morning and watching The Barefoot Contessa or an episode of Eat Street. I heard there wasn’t much to miss on LOGO, but I have missed out on the Housewives in Beverly Hills, Atlanta and The OC as well as a Season of Tabitha taking over something!

So stay with me whoever you are. I hope I still have at least one reader on my site. I have been blogging since 2000 and it has been a fun ride so far. Let’s fill the rest of 2012 with some positive news and a leaner me!

Oh No Mr. Bates and Captain Jack Harkness!

What is it about British television that has me so hooked? Is it their accents or do they produce better television in the UK?

I have been addicted to an iTV series called Downton Abbey.  I have just finished watching the Season 2 finale and I can’t wait for Season 3. Beware there are spoilers for those that haven’t seen this season yet.

Word has it that they are commissioning a third season and will pick up from where they left off this last season. This past season dealt mostly with the war and the effect on Downton Abbey headed up by Lord and Lady Grantham. The story revolves around their three daughters, the heir apparent to the estate (Matthew Crawley) and the minglings of the castle staff. Thomas returns to Downtown as a staff sergeant overseeing the convalescing of soldiers now staying at Downton as they have run out of space in the local town. Mr. Bates and Anna continue thru their struggles for a relationship and Lady Sybil runs off with the Chauffer. We can’t forget Maggie Smith playing Dowager Countess of Grantham as the ever opinionated Matron.

More word on the street is that Amy Nutall who plays Ethel (the former maid who had a baby with a convalescing soldier) will not be returning to the cast. Season 3 will take place after the Armistice and in the 1920s.

A Christams special is scheduled to run in a few weeks and I look forward to that show. Did they do a Christmas special between Season 1 and 2?

The Brits love their Christmas specials. Doctor Who does a Christmas special as well. I wish they did one for Torchwood.

Speaking of Torchwood, do you think it will come back? Did you like the collaboration effort with Starz? Did they take the series in a completely different track and pull away from the “real” Torchwood?

For those not keeping up with Torchwood, it came back for a short series run with Torchwood set in America with Captain Jack Harkness and Gwen Cooper crossing over the pond for a Torchwood/CIA operation to investigate the “Miracle Day” mystery. The series starts off where people STOP dying. Even with extreme death, people seem to be staying alive. However, for those who follow the show, we know that Captain Jack Harkness can’t die – but in this twist, he can – the only person on earth who can. They ended the season figuring out the mystery but end it with guest star Mekhi Phifer (playing CIA’s Rex Matheson)absorbing some of Jack’s immortality. Will this lead to another series?

A Week Later…

So the reality of me being laid off is still quite fresh in my mind. It is now a week later and I found myself freaking out yesterday, feeling overwhelmed at how I was going to deal with the mounting medical bills from this past summer, finding a place to live and more importantly finding a new job.

It’s never a “good” time to get laid off, but for me, I happen to be at the end of my lease and I can’t get a new place without proof of income. Furthermore, if I end up getting a new job in another city or state, I still have the problem of securing housing. I have asked my current  place if I can extend my lease a month or two and they were accommodating but want to increase my rent my $500 a month! Yikes!

Yesterday I got a call from the hospital asking how I was going to deal with the balance I had on my account. I informed them that I was just laid off and that if I had anything to give them I would be more than happy to set up a payment plan. I told them that as soon as I get employment, I would contact them to make arrangement for payment. They said they had to send it to a collection agency to handle. Oye.

I have called my parents and left them emails but I haven’t heard from them. I don’t know if they are at the other house where they have no internet connection. The only conniption I have to them is via a MagicJack number. If it’s not plugged in, I can’t get a hold of them.

I need to get my resume out there. I’ve been waiting for a major re-write of my work experience before I start sending it out, but that may be a few more days out.

Keep me in your thoughts and send good wishes my way!

I Want To Be in America… Olé!

I watched last night’s episode of Glee and I have to say that I’m a big fan of the musical West Side Story. Last night they performed a wonderful version of “America” from the Leonard Bernstein creation.

Last night’s episode was a bit shattered in story lines. The main storyline surrounded the “first time” for couples Blaine and Kurt as well s Finn and Rachel. It’s a touchy subject to bring up first time intimacies between teenagers. So let’s take a look at some issues. Let’s be clear that it is my impression that the show’s creators intended the primary audience for this show to be adults. The problem with this is that the show is about being in high school. While it is nice to reminisce about our past, it is probably safe to assume that the next core audience is high school students. Some of the subject matters that Ryan Murphy has touched on in the show are definitely “current” issues, but probably for consumption by an adult audience. I applaud Ryan Murphy in his attempt to bring the issue of not only “first time” sex on Glee but also that he is bringing up the subject with a young male gay couple as well.

I remember my first time and I wish it was in a private, special moment like Blaine and Kurt. Now with that said, I’m not saying that my first time was not private and that it was loud – it just wasn’t “special”. I wanted my first time to be special.

I do want to touch base on one of the side stories and that was one of Karofsky making a return to the school. Blaine and Kurt sneak off to the nearest gay bar in Lima, with bad boy Sebastian from the Warblers. There Kurt is watching Blaine having a good time on the dance floor when a baseball capped dude walks up to the bar and says “you better keep an eye on him…”. It was school bully Karofsky, now in a different high school and dealing with the fact that he is gay himself. A lot of the anger that Karofsky had while at McKinley was frustration over coming out and trying to figure out who and what he was. I recall to moments in my teenage years where I lashed out about things that were way off base and I honestly have to think that it was about not being able to express who I was to anyone. That kind of built up frustration can be very difficult to deal with. Karofsky said he liked coming into the bar cuz he had be comfortable with who he is and that he was accepted there. It was very cute that he made a nod to the bear community in saying that he was a “cub”. Karofsky still has feelings for Kurt. I think he always had and that was driving him crazy. Sitting int he bar, they both exchange words and you can see the look in his eyes that he is happy to see Kurt. Let’s see if something develops between the two later in the season.

So let’s keep with the theme of the bar. Blaine gets wasted (another subject that is facing high school students) and tries to initiate something intimate with Kurt in the back seat of the car. Kurt says no and holds his ground. Blaine gets pissed off and walks home. Probably for his good as it gave him time to re-evaluate what he was doing. We find out later in the episode that he indeed understand what he was doing and that he was truly sorry for what he tried to do. I do find it very weak that in apologizing to Kurt that Kurt decides that is the “moment” he has been waiting for and go back to Blaine’s house. For me personally, I would have waited for something to come along, not an apology from my boyfriend and a kiss. But that is just me.

So I’m going on a complete tangent here and going to touch on the subject of Puerto Rico and “America”. I had to do some research and this is what I found out. Puerto Rico was ceded to the United States in 1898 in the Treaty of Paris where control of the island was turned over to the United States. It was then in 1947 that Puerto Rick gained more autonomy by being able to elect their own Governor. However to this date, the citizens cannot for for the Presidency – while being US citizens. The timeline in the musical for West Side Story takes place in the mid 50s. We have two groups living in a burrough of New York where we have the Puerto Ricans and the “whites” of the neighborhood. This is our modern day Romeo and Juliet. Maria falls in love with Tony both on opposite sides and being in rival gangs. We have the rooftop scene with maria’s sister, Anita leading a discussion about living in America. I have always loved this song from a musical perspective and every time I hear it, my inner dancer takes over and dances.

My last note is about Coach Bieste and her newfound love interest. You go Coach, let him make you feel like a lady and let him pamper you!

I’m part of the 11.9%

Well it is with a heavy heart that I was laid off from my job yesterday. I join the ranks of the unemployed. Here in California the unemployment rate is 11.9%.

I was with Ignite for five and a half years and it was one of the best years ever. It’s almost 24 hours later since I called into the office and I’m still a bit in shock. Sadness did settle in once I got in the car and that erupted into a flow of tears for several hours.

Many of my friends and co-workers started to call and send text messages. I was getting sad reading the texts from everyone. I talked with Lisa, Tim and Heather and I’m really going to miss seeing them on a daily basis. Many have emailed or toted to express sadness and support.

I’m not going to go into any further details about how I feel except to say that I remain positive and will only take this experience and turn it into something good. I have to.

It’s Friday and raining here in Sunny Southern California and it expresses how many feel back at Ignite today. But you know, the sun will eventually come back out and the day will end and will start up again in the morning.

It has been a rewarding and fun time for me professionally and personally. The people I have met are some of the most talented and amazing people I know. I hope that I can keep in touch with everyone and that we can stay in each other’s lives. they have enriched my life and I hope I have touched them in the same way.

Much of my soul was in the walls and hallways at Ignite and I hope that what I leave behind in memories will continue to keep the spirit going.

It’s time to write a new chapter in my life and I turn the page ready to start the first sentence in a chapter that will sure be filled with fun, sadness, growth and be filled with the memories of meeting new people and experiencing their lives. I’m not sure if my future will return to culinary, but most probably I will return to my IT career and pursue what I love.